The Tale of Crocadilly, and What Snooki Would Like to do With It

So I am sitting here watching the award winning Jersey Shore, and I start to break down Ronnie in my head (had to word that carefully).  I don't know about you but I think Ronnie might not actually be using any sort of performance enhancers.   I know, I know the case is simple enough you say.  Bulging muscles, violent mood swings, unbelievable dancing prowess...but I think there is more.  Let's investigate...

I think that this is a very sensitive man that is cracking under all of the pressure that is put on his broad shoulders due to The Shore.  It all started when he and Sammi started hooking up.  He met her, fell in the deepest most intimate of loves (like Lebron's love for himself or Nick Cage's love for horrendous movies), but always had questions in the back of his head because he was forced to live with, and always tempted by every man's dream girl....Snooki.  If that alone isn't enough to ruin a relationship, Sammi has been so insecure while Ronnie tries to be her rock (Walking Tall). 

Then you have the other male influences in the house.  Talk about a tough group to live with and live up to.  He always has to get so GTLed up just to keep up with Mike's abs, Paulie's hair, and Vinny's brain.  If fact I hear if you take Nicole and Deena's brains and put them together, they still wouldn't be equal to Vinny's.  Thats tough to be around.  I mean shit got so bad that crocadilly hanged himself.  Could have easily been Ronnie, I personally thought Crocadilly had been coping pretty well.  Come to think of it maybe it wasn't suicide at all, just another auto-erotic asphyxiation accident.   If only Crocadilly knew that Snooki would take anything...

So Ronnie has to solve this.  He doesn't want to accept that Sammi is just an insane bitch so he sleeps with other girls so that she won't seem so insane and has a reason to be insecure (tell me you can't identify with that).  How romantic! But it backfires...now she is even more insane and and decided she wants to move out (he was still a gentleman and helped her get some clothes out of the room).  

So now we have sad depressed Ronnie crying in the bathroom (usually he is so stable).  But really, Ronnie just needs some time. With the support from the house I think Ronnie could turn this around.  Thats why this show is so great, it is like the answer key to all of life's strife (that and the visually appealing sparkly t-shrts).  It has the makings of Dawson's Creeks young romance mixed with the life lessons of Full Hou---whoa who's nasty panties are those....wait, what was I talking about?  

ok so...

....The Sound of Music

....Dawson's Creek

....Joshua Jackson

....Squirrel Monkeys?

....

Wait, who am I kidding here, of course Ronnie does roids and this whole argument is bogus.  It's all a big joke.  Everything I just wrote is bull shit.  Well aside from Crocadilly's story and Snooki being the perfect woman (ok maybe that too). This group is like the most dysfunctional family ever. They stab eachother in the back constantly. Its all a farce (and a bronzer ad).   Thats why I love/hate it.  These people are celebrities now for being the shittiest humans ever.  As they say, "one man's trash is another man's treasure".  In this instance I feel some things can be both...and who are "They"? 

-a