I am Listening to Britney, Nicki, and Ke$ha, Must be The RAPTURE!!!

Well since all of the saved people are leaving tonight, I figured I should write a blog that they could read before they go.  I am not really all that well versed in this rapture stuff so I am just going to take the bits and pieces that I have heard and go with it.

What it all comes down to is if you multiply 5, 10, and 17 together 2 times (already confused) you get a number that I don't feel like calculating right now.  If you add that many days to the day Jesus died, then you get to today.  So you ask why 5, 10, and 17?  Yeah i did too (fuck it i am not capitalizing i anymore, i mean shit the world is gonna end anyway).  Well actually these were the numbers on the back of Jesus's fortune cookie at Pei Wei early on the morning of Good Friday.   These became "the holy numbers".  I am still trying to get a call into Harold Camping to find out why you multiply it twice.  So yeah, its pretty obvious that this is going to happen.

So later, Peter Gabriel is going to blow a horn and a few people are going to disappear.  Thats when the fun/destruction will start.  They will miss it all though because they will be frolicking in heaven with the Victoria Secret Angels.

While they are up there several alien space craft are going to park themselves over major cities and will send giant laser beams down to destroy major landmarks.

Then Will Smith will save us from the aliens and God will have to try Plan B (not the miracle drug).  He may go with a giant meteor but we already have pretty much got that figured out, so that shouldn't cause too much trouble.  As long as we don't send BP up there to drill it.

Then we will start having more earthquakes and tsunamis and a bunch of crazy shit like that.

What I suggest is that everyone go out and buy some guns, bring as many girls over as possible and bunker up in your house.  This will be you best chance for survival and good times.  Oh and also go over to the liquor store, that place is going to be a war zone in a few days.

UPDATE:  My sources are telling me that this was already supposed to happen.  And, though I haven't really been around anyone this morning that I can definitely say would have been saved, I don't think it happened.  So I guess we are good until 2012.  Oh well, at least I finally wrote something.


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